I’ve been thinking a whole lot about why I choose focus on the negative. I look at my life and I am very happy. I have a good life. Not perfect perhaps but good nonetheless.
In fact, if I looked at my life day to day, I would think I was pretty lucky. The foundation is strong, I spend my days doing things that matter to me, and I am surrounded by those I love and adore. Life is good.
Yet, if you listened to the running commentary in my head some days, you’d think my life was horrible. Always too many worries and not enough time to work through them all. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop, that something on the horizon that could topple my happy little world.
So I worry. I can literally spend hours in some sort of tizzy. My mind is busy working through a thousand different scenarios. Yet, when all’s said and done, I haven’t really figured anything out at all.
Okay, I don’t like surprises. I really hate that feeling when everyone is enjoying themselves and all of a sudden bad happens. The rug is pulled out from under me and I haven’t a clue how to get back up.
More so than that I hate transitions. No, that’s not true. I am all for change so long as I look good while doing it. Nothing messy, no mistakes or miss steps. Just the picture of grace and charm.
Most of all, I hate people I love being hurt. Even though I know we all learn and grow from such experiences, I’d do just about anything to smooth out the rough edges. I’d rather take on the load myself, even if it meant looking stupid or being judged negatively.
As strange as it seems, I worry most when everything is going smoothly. After all, if life is chaos a bit more noise really doesn’t matter. Life sucks already. More problems only reinforce that notion.
However, if life is good and I admit that, I’m opening myself up to disappointment. If I bring myself up, I could fall. If I voice my happiness, then I open myself up to being foolish for not seeing the truth of the situation.
Sometimes, I know I sabotage myself. Everything is going well so I start to worry. I know something is just around the corner that is going to ruin my good fortune.
So I start looking for potential troubles. If I can’t find any, I’ll even go digging up skeletons from my past. The way I see it, these things are coming for me anyways so I may as well meet them head on. It’s better to deal with them now then have these things hit me when my back is turned.
The really odd thing is sometimes I will catch myself in the act. I’ll see myself trying to “fix” a situation while another part of me is screaming “just leave it be”. “I don’t want this and this fix isn’t going to make me happy. I’m happy already, leave it be”
I think in life there are always going to be issues. No matter how well prepared we are, some life experiences are going to catch us off guard. I don’t think though that creating issues where there aren’t any really helps. It just adds a whole lot of unnecessary drama.
It’s not foolish or naïve to enjoy these positive moments wholeheartedly. Good times nurture us. Moreover, they become memories that remind us that life is worth living.