It’s been a very eventful week or so in my personal life. A number of transitions, possible changes, and movements that I hadn’t necessarily saw in the works. Things that not so long ago would have put me in a tailspin. Things that would have completely knocked me off balance and had me people pleasing all over the place.
Overall, it has been and continues to be a very interesting time in my life. Not only with making my way through these unexpected challenges but possibly more importantly with noticing myself and the way I react in such situations. Sitting back with a part of myself and seeing what is actual fact that needs to be accepted as such and what is just hearsay or mental ruminations that just add a whole lot of unnecessary drama.
I can’t say I’ve been completely calm and not worried. At the doctor’s office yesterday, I was so nervous that I watched as my blood pressure continued to rise to 190. At that point, a part of me said “Woa, down there. Is this level of anxiety really necessary?” Automatically, without a second thought, I began breathing more deeply and I started to calm down.
Despite that my body was experiencing some difficulties, I still managed to present the facts and advocate for my care. I breathed and tried my best to stick with facts, to listen, and to open to potential solutions (even if it wasn’t what I expected or wanted to hear). It wasn’t necessarily pretty but I survived nonetheless.
Afterwards, I felt a wide range of emotions. I talked about them (named them). I allowed myself to feel them fully. I even noted which reactions were the result of trying to fortune tell rather than current reality.
Then, I looked into my heart. In there, I felt a knowing that everything that was happening had a purpose. All the things. Not just my health issues but everything. I’ve been having that feeling a lot lately, especially when I do take the time to become quiet.
I have worried excessively all my life. I was an anxious child who became a worrywart mother and grandmother. For a long time I even equated worrying with love. If I worried enough, and made things perfect for everyone, they’d feel the depth of my love for them.
When I watch myself though, I see that worrying just adds a lot of needless drama. Drama really serves no purpose. It confuses the truth making it more difficult to come to the necessary resolution or integration (healing). It brings alive a whole bunch of what if scenarios that aren’t actually happening.
In many ways, drama is like sugar or caffeine. It feels great at first because everything is in superfast mode. Everything matters. You feel important and part of something bigger than yourself.
However, like these other stimulants, there’s always the inevitable crash. The body can’t sustain that kind of stress for long periods of time. The body and mind literally wear out and break down. Unfortunately though, you’ve still never actually dealt with the problem at hand so all you can really do is push the problems away, deflect them, ignore them, or deny reality hoping that at some point you will have enough energy to deal with it all at a later date.
It all begs the question what if we saw ourselves in the midst of gearing up to participate in that drama and simply took a deep breath instead? What if we stopped ourselves mid-freak out and started to look at the facts as reality and all the rest as drama. Then, we started looking at our options as potential choices (as opposed to our lot in life). What would happen?